So my friend Tabitha messages me on Facebook with a rather cryptic message so ambiguous that I didn't entirely know what she was referring to:
Tabitha: "care to weigh in on the status....think we need some of your advice"
Tabitha: "you'll see once you read the comments"
Needless to say, her status was a guaranteed barn burner for any "civil" debate amongst African American Males and Females
Tabitha: is disturbed by the conversation she had with a man that said that he would prefer to be with a black woman but that we have too many issues and that it is easier to be with a woman of another ethnicity... really??? Grow up and stop making excuses the road to finding the right one is never easy regardless of color...but hey maybe I'm wrong.ooooookay...That's deep. But nothing I'm unfamiliar with. I've heard stories since I was in high school from my black friends on the Football team, the Basketball team, the Wrestling team...hell even Student Council all about how white women were supposed to be so docile and easy to get along with and sexually amenable to almost any suggestion. Then in College I heard stories about how domestic and over anxious to please Asian women are and how their greatest wish is to please their man. Once I graduated from undergrad, the ethnic dating game took on a new holy grail; Latina's "They've got all the fiestiness of a black woman with much less lip, they're extremely domestic, explosive lovers and CAN COOK!!"
...my homeboy's words...not mine. I've even had "friends" of mine suggest that I'd be better suited to a Latina woman just based on my temperament.
I'm being completely forthright here. Have I dated outside my own race? Absolutely. A white woman? yes. An Asian woman? She was Pakistani, but yes it's in Asia so for the purpose of this argument, I'll count it. Have I dated a Latina? Got the prom pics to prove it. But what does any of this mean?
Either I'm the outlier or black men are some outright liars. Even though I've dated women of many cultures and nationalities, my longest, most substantial and most fulfilling relationships have always been with Black Women. And just as every other woman I've dated their "domestication", sexual prowess or ability to cook has never come into play as far as the decision making process. Hell...I'll cook my own meal if it comes down to a good woman.
So this bring us back to the heart of the matter. As pro-black and as militant as I come across and in many ways am; I see no problem with interracial dating. I do however have issue with race-preferential dating. That to me is the silliest version of reverse racism I've ever seen in my life.
It's just as dumb as the justifications given to dating a White, Asian or Latina by men as it is ridiculous for the white woman we've all met who wants to marry a black or puerto rican so her son can have tan skin and "good hair" (see my good hair entry). I feel as though the whole genetic breeding thing could be another blog entry in itself but here it's still applicable.
You don't date like you shop for cars. Do you realize how insensitive and de-humanizing that is? People buy foriegn cars because they have less "issues" than say a Ford or Chevy...is that really how we wish to discuss our women? I guess it makes sense. Kanye said it best.
"when he get on, he leave yo ass for a white gurl"...hell, he did it!
So the road gets rough, or you mess up and you get your clothes burned up with "I'm Not Gon' Cry" blaring in the background, or you get your shoes burned up in a tub Left-Eye and Andre Risen style (why do all these stories end up in flames?). The pattern I see in destructive relationships where black women have "issues" is when black men do things to make black women act crazy.
I'll admit, some women are crazy when you get them, but even still it's due in some part to the crazy left behind by another man from her past in that as yet unpacked baggage...
but none of this is mentioned as to home-boy's reasoning for not dating the darker complexioned "fairer sex"...
One of Tabitha's male friends coined in on the conversation offering to stick up for the root of the conversation and offered the following:
Mike: Don't judge it's just that some times black females have been taught to be so independant that they somtimes mix it up with ratical anger ...They become so so self progressive that they do not even take the time to realize that the Black male is being left behind in so many ways because of lack of male leadership......MANY young black men are AND ... Read Morebeing taught how to surive from a STONG BLACK (WOMAN) who somtimes teach the male the sadness of what SHE has lived of being self sufficcient without the need of any man in their life..That only goes to say that a black man only learns what he has been taught..How he will NOT BE THAT SUPER MALE... lol
I hate to go against guy code, but I have to disagree...Even though you had a lot of good points which I will expound on, the black man getting left behind is not the black woman's fault. It's the black man's.
We've all heard the phrase "women are raised, men are nurtured"...we've bought into the B.S. for so long that we feel threatened by a woman who doesn't necessarily need us? I don't want a woman who needs me. My children can need me, but in a partnership I don't want a dependent. I don't want a cling-on either. I want a woman who's just as strong as my mother is. At times if need be even stronger than me. Not to say that I'm weak, but I want my woman strong in other ways. That's the difference between a 'docile' woman and a virtuous one.
It's not the black woman's fault if there are no men in the home to raise men. Where are the men? If you have 4 babies by 4 different women that's your fault not the woman's. Is she supposed to just let any man help raise her babies because the father doesn't feel like it? Or let's blame society for the systematic dismantling of the black community as our jails fill up with more and more black fathers causing a rapid decay of the moral foundation of our once and future proud black neighborhoods.
I'm sure every inmate was pinched for walking an old lady across the street...maybe they were in the wrong place at the wrong time just planting a tree on Arbor Day.
Stop making excuses. If you don't like a black woman because you think they're ugly, cool. At least you're honest. Acknowledge you're color-struck and push on. If you think they're too progressive and you've been left behind? Hop over that Dairy Queen counter and pick up a University Application and apply yourself to something other than an Online Madden Tournament.
I refuse to make excuses for why you think a black woman isn't good enough. They're good enough for White men. They're good enough for Asian men, and they're definitely good enough
for Latino men. So what we're really saying is that Black Women don't have too many issues, what we're saying is that Black Men have so many issues that we'd rather stand in our own way and make excuses for our own inadequacies, because everyone else is the problem, not us. We're the victim...How long do we need to be nurtured before we learn to be raised? Because once you get done running the streets and tasting all 31 flavors, I don't doubt it'll be that chocolate that you crave.
Yes. Black women are stronger and more independent than female counterparts from other ethnicity. Not all, but in my experience by and large. But this all goes back to the history.
Who had to sit by as the husband was castrated and hung trying to comfort the children? Before that who had to remain strong while the family was split apart by the slave trade? Who was it who kept two houses clean while nursing her own and the master's babies? Who watched the children and tucked them in while the husbands were fighting for equality in the struggle? When Men didn't have the intestinal fortitude to do a Woman's job, it was courageous individuals like Angela Davis and Harriet Tubman who led the way. Our black women are doing it for themselves because 9/10 THEY HAVE TO! Wouldn't that give you a few issues? A few bones to pick?
I will say this though, it is far too much self-fulfilling prophecy to say "I can do bad all by myself"
...yes you could, but who the hell wants to? If it will allow a man to buck a challenge? You'll be doing bad alone for quite a long time.
I just don't understand why we can't appreciate a black woman the way a black woman appreciates a black man.
I can appreciate a black woman because she's one of few women on earth who can appreciate me, understand my struggle and relate to me on a geographical, political and emotional level that forever shakes us to the soul. I will agree that some women have it ingraned so far in their mind that black men aren't to be trusted. They'll cheat, they'll lie, they'll leave you, they're shiftless, good for nothing, no count fathers, downright lazy, trifling, opportunistic and ambition less just to name a few.
But the quickest way to remedy any of that? Is to not be any of the above. It's called self responsibility. A black woman can appreciate how hard it is and has been for the black man. Most of that love and adoration is for things we've endured past tense. How about we love and appreciate our women for what they endure right now.
Take my advice with a grain of salt, but if your dating preferences hinge off of your stereotypes about who has issues? It's best you not date. We don't want people like you pro-creating anyway. EVERYONE has issues regardless of race. You just have the luxury of not understanding it when it comes to someone else's struggle.
So don't run from the challenges we left. The woman you claim you can't love due to issues is due greatly to the ones you can't address.
Simply put? Grow a set...next.
